Win the Battle With Your Inner Perfectionist At Work

By admin | Published: March 4, 2010

I just found out that its “National Procrastination Week”.  Who knew?  I’m wondering who marshalled support in Congress to get this passed?    But anyway,  let’s take advantage of the attention on this widespread challenge and discuss strategies to take back the reins from the part of you that sets you up to procrastinate.  There are many reasons for procrastination, but let’s focus on a common one today:  Perfectionism.

How much time has your inner perfectionist been sucking from you lately?  Here’s how to win the battle:

1)  Get your Inner Perfectionist to have a little ’sit down talk’ with your Inner Bill Payer.   Get everyone on board that in the short term and in the long term:

“Done makes more money than Perfect!”

2)  Disabuse your Inner Perfectionist of the notion that it is omniscient and can read the mind of your prospects, clients, colleagues, and boss.   Rather,   explain to it that the best way to do a job that will please others is to put out a first iteration and get feedback on exactly what other people want from your deliverable.  Then turn your deliverable around incorporating their feedback.

3) Make sure your Inner Perfectionist knows the value that you are being paid to provide.   For example, I coached a small business in which the owner had a very high performing entry level analyst who would pull all nighters to get the numbers right to the 9th decimal point.  However, the owner of the firm just wanted a percentage range so he could provide investment estimates to his clients.  The analyst of course would come in trashed with exhaustion the next day – and not able to be at her best for her duties.

If you are being paid to be a detailed oriented perfectionist, then have at it!   If not, you are doing yourself and everyone else a disservice.  Know the value you are being paid to provide and be perfectionistic at providing that value!

4)  Require your Inner Perfectionist to have a clear idea of the outcome you want to create before you start explaining what you want to other people.   Otherwise,  you will create resentment in the people you work with and decrease your ability to get highest quality work from them in the future

What are the challenges and successes you have had in the battles with your Inner Perfectionist?  Leave them on the blog below

(Note:  Til the end of this National Procrastination Week, I’ll also be tweeting  links to my most popular blog posts on procrastination in case you missed them the first time around, get them at @drsharonmelnick).   If you prefer to hear me talking about tips to move past procrastination via audio,  go to www.sharonmelnick.com to get fr*ee excerpts of From Procrastination to Productivity: 25 Proven Techniques to Stop Procrastinating)

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The ONLY resolution you ever need to make

By sharon | Published: December 31, 2009

There is one “master” resolution. Without it all your other resolutions cannot be carried out. The one ability you want to resolve to strengthen is Self  Trust.

Self-trust is relying upon your  inner resources (i.e. emotional, mental, physical, and  spiritual) to achievedesired success and fulfillment.   It enables you to stay steady and expand what you CAN control in this fast-changing world, rather than try in futility to change market conditions or other people.

Self trust is about believing in yourself , i.e., whether your efforts are worthwhile and will help you progresstowards the happiness and results you seek.

Self trust is about your ability to manage yourself, so that when it comes time to do the behavior you’ve said is healthy or constructive for you, you can get yourself to do it.

Self trust is about viewing yourself as worth treating well, i.e., that you are deserving of having the resultsyou are pursuing. This comes from seeing yourself as others see you, not through filters of self judgment.

You judge  yourself because you think you will only be loveable to  others or secure in your career if you live upto an ideal  of perfection. Therefore you always compare yourself to  this ideal, setting yourself up to fall short and beat  yourself up.

Everyone, no matter who you are, has felt  crunched in the past year or so. Some of us are feeling  overwhelmed by the stresses, others of us are feeling  resilient, knowing they will land on their feet no matter  what. Resilient people are energized and taking action  everyday to create opportunities and keep their  relationships strong. Self trust is a key factor that  determines how you will navigate through turbulent times.

How do you rate yourself on a 1-10 scale of Self Trust? What is your Resolution for how Self Trusting you want to be in 2010 and the upcoming decade?

Self trust is a learned skill.  Here are some questions to aid your yearly review and an exercise   to build self trust:

1) Build that self trust by spending time to review your year/your decade and making peace with it in yourself. Here
are some questions you can use to guide your review:

What are the trends?

In what ways are you proud of how you have grown, and contributed?

What are the behaviors and attitudes that continue to give you justification to beat yourself up?

What pledge do you make to yourself to change these behaviors? Why will your efforts  to change this behavior be different this time? What will  happen if you don’t make these self corrections? What will  be possible for you if you do? What accountability will you  build in?

Where can you accept yourself more and find workarounds for the things that are challenging for you?

Where can you accept the people you are close to even more, so that you no longer are disappointed and angered by the behaviors they repeat?

2) Check out this video I made (its  old, we’ll all laugh at how different I look now!) It gives you a  tool that will help you quickly build trust in yourself.

Please comment below and let me know how you build self trust.

Posted in Get Out of Your Own Way, Popular Posts | 12 Comments

Stop feeling controlled by a difficult family member or colleague

By sharon | Published: December 14, 2009

Usually people are “difficult” because they are going about getting their needs met in the only way they know how. They have very specific (and we might think “overly rigid”) ways of feeling powerful and having esteem;  they focus narrowly on controlling things, situations, and people so that they can get the outcomes that will enable them to feel good.   They are not able to feel good by connecting meaningfully with you for who you really are.   They are not able to see you as a separate person, with your own wishes and interests, they can only see you as an actor on their stage in order to get the result they need to feel good about themselves.    Self oriented?  Yes.  Limiting their own happiness?  Yes.  Doing it on purpose to make you mad?  No.   Doing it because you objectively are ‘not enough’ or ‘wrong’?  No.

If you have more effective and diverse ways of getting what you need, then you are more lucky than they are – and it understandably makes you see their limited approaches as unreasonable.  Usually you will feel annoyed by them and want to block them from getting what they want, as a punishment of sorts for being so controlling.   Instead, be appreciative that you are able to feel more connected to other people and have more harmony than they are able to achieve.   Try to have compassion for the limitations they face and the constraints in their success and happiness they are creating.

If you want to try to get them to act in a different way,  you will rarely evoke that change by trying to reason with them or trying to convince them to see it your way.    Someone like this is going to be motivated only by what motivates them, not by what you think is reasonable.    Figure out what is really important to them (hint: the thing they always try to control you about).  Whenever you talk with them,  always state your request in terms of how your request will help them get what they want.   Always take a moment to think through their request and think together about the final result, to avoid having them change their mind many times and cause rework.     Thank them for their input, and if they repeat themselves many times,  remind them respectfully that you already heard the information and that you are interested in continuing to listen if they have any new information to impart you.

Most importantly, start orienting your life around no longer deriving your emotional or financial security from them.   This is your way of freeing yourself from the effects of their control!

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How to Avoid Family Conflict These Holidays

By admin | Published: December 10, 2009

Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays probably mean get togethers with your family of origin (or even more loaded:  with those of your spouse!)

While there are many comforts and joys of spending time with your extended family, sometimes it can mean interacting with people who control, frustrate,  criticize, or burden you.   With all the stresses you are facing this year,  cross ‘family conflict’ off your list with the following perspectives:

What is the “real reason” you are aggravated with a difficult family member?
You wish your difficult family member could just “get it” and behave differently in their own life and towards you.   Their behavior may legitimately take up a lot of time or show insensitivity to you.  But know that you are angry with them because you are hoping and expecting that they will be more evolved than they are at this point.   You are hoping that one of these times they will give you the validation you richly deserve (but they are likely incapable of.)   When you say to yourself that they should be different or vent to a confidant about “why do they do that?”, you are hoping that they will heed your advisement and magically do it differently next time.  You are ‘living in hope’.

As soon as you accept that they are “where they are on their journey” (and so are you), you know it is not fruitful to try to change them.   As long as you are hoping and expecting they will be different, you can continue to act in your same patterns and expect the change to come from them.   Even though its painful for you to standby and watch someone you care about not be happy,  you must appreciate part of you wants them to act differently in order for you to feel at ease or comfortable with yourself and your situation.  The answer of course is to focus on your 50%.   To the extent that you can feel ‘good in you’ no matter how your family members are acting out of their limitations, you will no longer be aggravated by them.

How can you make family interactions more harmonious?
There are many things that you can do to take responsibility for your part of the interaction.  Some examples include:

  • Know exactly what you want from the situation so you can ask for it instead of hoping they will read your mind.
  • See it from their point of view, make them feel understood, and phrase your requests to them in terms that motivate them (and don’t just assume because you want something they will want to be that way for you.)
  • Do things that are easy for you to do that help them get their needs met even in their rigid ways.  For example, show appreciation to a narcissistic person and make them feel special.   If it means acting out of integrity for you, don’t go along with them.   Let a narcissistic, controlling, or off- color person know your limits.  Tell them you in a neutral, respectful tone that you don’t tolerate that behavior, and that you will talk to them or spend time with them when they are not acting that way (then walk away and come back later).
  • Make sure your communication is clear and respectful, reducing the chance you will be misinterpreted
  • Articulate more precisely the kind of support, love, and cooperation you can get from difficult family members and what you wish you could get but will realistically not be able to get.   Only interact with them around the former.   Focus effectively on nurturing yourself and initiating meaningful connections that will bring fulfillment in your current life – so you are less vulnerable to others making you feel balance.
  • Instead of focusing on the unrealized harmony within your family, be grateful for the family members who are alive and in a state of reasonable health;  be grateful for all the ways that you and your family members have been resilient to the current challenging times.
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How To Create Friction Free Relationships

By admin | Published: December 9, 2009

You have an awkward interaction with your friend…Do you blame her and wait for an apology, or do you proactively reach out to ‘own’ your part in it?

Your assistant does your marketing promotion wrong. Do you get irritated at her or do you calm yourself down before asking her to help you understand what went awry and how you can prevent it next time?

In the car, your spouse/partner is lost and aggravated, but won’t stop to ask for directions. Do you snap at him to ‘calm down’ and remind him he ‘always does this’, or do you take out your iPhone GPS and make a ‘note to self’ to print out directions next time (thus averting the usual spat.)

Your answers depend on whether you follow the 50% rule. Usually you want to change what the other person is thinking and doing because it is annoying you or making you feel upset, and you think they ‘shouldn’t’ do it that way.

The 50% rule is an approach to all relationships (romantic, business, parenting, friendship, family) in which you focus on being “impeccable for your 50% of the interaction”. It’s not about ‘being nice’ or ‘giving in to keep the peace’. Its about taking responsibility for your part, relying on your own tools to get yourself into the right emotional state, and acting in a way that aligns with “who you want to be” in the relationship.

The benefits of being impeccable for your 50% are many: you walk away from the interaction feeling proud of yourself rather than guilty for lashing out. You preserve your relationship rather than chip away at it. You decrease the other’s defensiveness so they are more likely to listen to you (and if they are not capable of much change, you are already ‘in a good place’ and thus detached from the ill effects of their behavior).

And this is the most important: you are ‘in control’!

To try out the 50% rule, think of a relationship in your life you want to be better. Draw an imaginary line in between you and that person – everything on one side is your 50% (what YOU think, how YOU feel, what YOU say, what YOU do), everything on the other is theirs.

Notice that what you have been doing until now in this relationship may be efforts that “cross the line”. You may have been “taking on their 50%” (e.g., absorbing their negative energy, feeling responsible for their feelings, trying to rescue them) or getting them to act differently (e.g., blame them to get an apology; tell them they need to change; do favors for them hoping they will approve of you and appreciate you). The other person probably experiences your efforts as controlling and it may have backfired.

Instead, influence them to improve the interaction — but stay within ‘your side of the line.’ There are so many possibilities, here are a few to practice:

1) Take charge of handling your own emotional response

Its so tempting to scream at the other person to “Calm Down!!!” When you are being impeccable for your 50%, you don’t try to get the other person to relax, you focus on relaxing yourself (so that you can actually deal with the other person in a way that is more calm – that will surely help them to relax!)

Before you snap at your spouse like in the example above, calm yourself down. Try a technique called “reverse breathing”: breathe in slowly through your mouth and breathe out slowly through your nose (this calms your liver where your frustration accumulates). You should feel a cooling sensation across your tongue if you are doing it right. This technique is so powerful that you will notice a big difference within 10 to 30 seconds (its so powerful I’ve stopped fights on the NYC subways with it)!

2) Accept others’ level of evolution and work on yours!

Accept that others are generally doing what they do for good reason (at least within their own worldview). Know that whenever people are being rigid it’s usually because they are stuck on an emotionally unresolved issue that deep down makes them feel bad about themselves (even though its not apparent to them). If this is the case, then expecting the person to come around and apologize is a lost cause. Instead of assuming your friend is a jerk, think through what you did before or after their awkward behavior that might have contributed to the breakdown, and take responsibility by clarifying and apologizing for your part.

By doing this you have cleared your conscience and smoothed the way for them to come back with a constructive response. If she doesn’t, its ‘proof’ that there is something going on in ‘her 50%’ that has little to do with you, and though it might be sad for you, she is essentially showing you her ability to deal with her feelings. Staying mad at her for not being more evolved goes nowhere; instead focus on your 50% and how you set yourself up to be hurt by hoping she would be more capable of being the friend you desire.

3) Be bulletproof in your word and deed

Instead of blaming others, put your attention on communicating clearly so you can’t be misunderstood. Focus on using a tone that is motivating and respectful (e.g., say “help me understand what broke down here” instead of “you did this wrong”). Focus on noticing what the other person is doing right and let them know. Don’t give unclear directions and then blame your assistant/business partner for not producing what you wanted.

As you “say what you mean and mean what you say” but your assistant/business partner doesn’t, it becomes very clear with whom the “problem” lies and who is going to need to change as part of the solution. It shifts the balance of power and gives you strong leverage in negotiation – others cannot point a finger back at you, they must take responsibility or you will choose not to work with them.

In short, take 100% responsibility for your 50%. Decide who ‘you want to be’ in the interaction and focus on being HER! The irony is that by concerning yourself with your own 50%, you raise the odds of getting the other person to act how you want them to act. Enjoy the power of being ‘in control’ without being controlling!

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How Not to REACT Emotionally in Your Relationships

By admin | Published: November 2, 2009

Your assistant makes mistakes and has an attitude. You can’t get your colleagues to take you seriously and follow your ideas? Your boss uses a tone, changes his mind all the time, or doesn’t go to bat for you.

You and your spouse get stuck in communication dead-ends.  You have drama in your dating.  A family member continues to be needy and frustrating.

The best way to keep your relationships supportive of your goals and not distracting or draining is

DON’T REACT!

Reacting is your effort to try to get the person to stop being the way they are.  It lets the other person get you off track from who you want to be and the results you want to create. Reacting makes you lose time and focus being upset about what they did.

Of course you know you are not supposed to REACT, but its not always easy!

What makes it hard to not react is that your brain has evolved to respond in stressful interactions in ways that are unproductive.  It hijacks you to:

- Personalize: To respond you have to explain why the person acted the way they did.  You will ask yourself what does the other person’s behavior mean about me?   You might “put words in their mouth” and think they are saying you are “not good enough” or your job or client relationship is not secure.  You will worry about how the situation “will affect you”.

- Focus on the Problem:  Our nervous system evolved to respond protectively when large predators were running at us.    That’s why when someone is annoying, we tend to focus all our attention on getting them to stop acting the way that’s making you feel out of control (hint: rather than focusing on what you CAN control so you don’t have that panicky feeling of not having control)

- Negative Forecast:   To save energy and respond quickly, your brain will use shortcuts and default to well-worn grooves in your thinking.  You will believe the person is going to act the way they’ve “always” acted in the past (even if they don’t always act that way).   You will believe your worst fear will happen (e.g., homelessness, lose their love, feel forever guilty) and then act as if it already has.

The factor that causes you to have these unconstructive responses is feeling that things are “out of your control”.   The best antidote to not reacting is to control what you CAN control.

The first thing to do is get the thinking part of your brain back in charge, rather than the emotional part.  One way is through “Reverse Breathing”, in which you breathe slowly in through your mouth and out through your nose, experiencing a cooling sensation over your tongue.

Instead of Personalizing, try to genuinely explain the person?s behavior as stemming from their own limitations or from a benefit-of-the-doubt explanation of their motivations.

Instead of Focusing on them as the Problem, see the problem as part of an overall system that happened between the two of you, and focus immediately on generating solutions and ways to prevent it from happening in the future.

Instead of Negative Forecasting, focus on at least one thing YOU can do on your own (either in the moment or at a later time) to have control over preventing your worst case scenario.

This is just the tip of the iceberg:  Do you want word for word scripts on how to be poised and confident and NOT REACT in your relationships?  Do you want more breathing techniques to keep you calm when people are ‘on edge’?  Do you want to break your relationship patterns and be more respected at work?

Join this one-time only Friction-Free Relationships program starting next week in NYC so I can coach you through your specific relationship situations in a small group.

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Hello world!

By admin | Published: October 23, 2009

Welcome to WordPress. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start blogging!

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Are you ready to go from procrastination to productivity?

By admin | Published: October 13, 2009

70% of North Americans report that they procrastinate.   And 20%, or 1 in 5 of you are a chronic procrastinator.  Are you one of them?    What is something you are procrastinating on today?

Usually when we think about someone who procrastinates, we get an image in our head of someone who is “lazy”sitting in front of the TV with a beer, or surfing the Internet all day long.   For sure if you have such a negative image of yourself, you will not be motivated to take action and create momentum towards your goals ? so I wanted to give you some information that would help you forget that stereotype and build some self understanding so you can develop a habit of taking action.

I?ve put together a list of “types” of procrastinators I’ve had as clients or in my programs.   See if you can identify your type:

  • The Perfectionist – ” Its not going out the door until every detail is perfect”
  • The Dreamer – “I’ve got a great vision, I don’t know how to get started”
  • The Avoider- “I don’t feel like doing it”
  • The Confidence Protector -”What will people think? if I send this out”
  • The Pressure Seeker – “I am convinced ‘I work best’ under pressure”
  • The Prioritizer -”I do what’s most important and put everything else off”
  • The ADDer  -”I legitimately have ADD and haven?t gotten treated for it”


You really want to identify which type (or types) of procrastinator you  are because it will make all the difference in terms of using the right solutions.   For example,  if you are an Avoider, you want to arm yourself with strategies to help you get past the “I don’t feel like it” and onto taking action.   If you are a Prioritizer, you are battling too many projects and too many changes in strategic direction, and for you it’s a waste of time to learn more about to “start your day with the hardest task”.   What you need is to get better input about what will stay constant amongst your strategic and revenue generating priorities,  and communicate to the people who will otherwise be waiting for you to complete tasks that are not part of your current priorities.

There are two kinds of solutions to moving past procrastination.  The first set of solutions have to do with setting up your tasks so that it is “Easier to Do It” than to “Not do it”.   The second has to do with tools to help you deal with yourself better  – so that when you are tempted to procrastinate you will know how to talk yourself out of it and take action.

Its important to have a good awareness of how you set yourself up to procrastinate so that you know exactly what to do differently next time.

If procrastination is cutting into your profit,  or interfering with your promotion, it’s a serious issue for you.   Remember the Mark Twain quote about looking back on your life what you regret the most is what you didn’t do, not what you did do.

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Are You Ready To Stop Wasting Time on Company Politics?

By admin | Published: October 13, 2009

Salary.com does a survey every year of time wasting in the workplace. The 2008 report revealed that 75% of employees engage in time wasting behaviors, and half of those surveyed stated that they waste time dealing with office politics.

The faces of politics are many. It might take the form of someone holding onto turf by “throwing you under the boss”, a boss who doesn’t “get you” or promote you, or colleagues or bosses who don’t get back to you yet you are held accountable.

Working with other people, or in an organization, inherently puts you in a situation where other people have control over your deliverables, and thus over your future in some way. There is a lot at stake, and when you don’t feel like you have control over the things that are most important to you (i.e, your salary/raise, your recognition, your reputation, your free time, etc.) it can raise significant feelings of frustration, anger, and disappointment.

I notice that I am spending an increasing amount of time with my executive coaching clients helping them deal with politics as the people around them seem increasingly resistant to change, turf-oriented, undignified in the way they handle layoffs, etc. In our coaching we map out how my client can keep their job and get promoted by improving relationships with colleagues and bosses, and influencing decision makers to buy into their ideas.

Here are 2 tips for how to deal with politics so that it doesn’t drain you of essential time and energy:

1) Your new mantra is: Be impeccable for your 50%. This is the first and most important tip to focus on in cleaning up your contribution to any ‘politics’ situation. It’s always tempting to point fingers at other people’s bad behavior. First “clean up your own backyard” and make sure that your communication is respectful, that you are inclusive and seek input, and that you are reaching out and supporting other people.

I’m not suggesting this to encourage altruism (well, that too, but its not the only reason)! When you are impeccable for your 50%, here are the benefits: You get to control what you can control. You have a lot of power when you are in a position to point out the dysfunctions of others without anyone being able to point a finger back at your “bad behavior”. The more you are impeccable in the way you create relationships, the more people will trust you and “have your back”. When others speak well of your behavior, it is far more powerful than when you seek recognition for yourself. While others are distracted putting their efforts into short term efforts to “try to look good”, you be the one to put efforts into making lasting results and relationships.

2) Act in the service of your Long Term not Short Term Goals – You want to err on the side of acting for your long term goal instead of how you “feel like reacting” in the moment. When you react in the moment, usually its because you percieve that someone else is making you look bad or because you think your opinion is ‘right’ about whether an idea will work or not. These are both confidence issues – you are either trying to protect your lack of confidence (“what will people think about me?”) or you are overconfident (which of course underneath is always about under confidence anyway!) The more successful you become, the more your success relies on your ability to influence other people and have them trust and collaborate with you to achieve bigger goals. The idea is to have people walk away from interacting with you feeling good about their ability to succees – which comes from self trust that your work will speak for itself.

For example, I had a client today who clearly asserted that a certain sales incentive program should stay in place when a number of people around her wanted to kill it. The company ended the program and sales tanked. The brand new president called a meeting and wanted to know why numbers were so low – no one responsible for the decision spoke up.

You can imagine that my client wanted to say that she defended the program but all that would have accomplished is shaming her colleagues in public. She knew that the President would dig into the reasons for the drop in numbers and that she would ultimately look good. You don’t always have to make your point in the moment, sometimes you can let the situation unfold or seek opportunities to state your case either outside a public meeting, or when the topic is brought up repeatedly over time. Similarly, you don’t necessarily have to be the one to point out others flawed ideas or inefficient work. Sometimes it can be more effective with someone who is ineffective or controlling to ‘give them enough rope, let them hang themselves’!

Stay focused on being innovative and effective in your own position and don’t allow yourself to get caught up in what everybody else is doing and saying. You will be the one to get noticed!

Join us for a free webcast on October 14th on Chaos to Control. Register here. You can learn the skills and techniques to manage office politics and other time sucks that get in the way of your productivity here.

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Empowering Women Dinner, NYC

By admin | Published: September 14, 2009
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    Client Testimonials

    "A spectacular experience! You immediately grasp what is going on at a deeper level. You have an arsenal of painless, quick, and powerful strategies to get the person unstuck and feeling confident - to see the situation clearly and to be " in their power". It's as dramatically effective as if the client is given Batman's "utility belt" -- clever, handy tools to respond to any conceivable challenge in a balanced, constructive way. Every single time we talk it's extremely productive."?
    — Judy M., Attorney